Now just to be clear, you do get the joke, right America? The joke is that the real media is reporting how Quvenzhane Wallis is adorable, sweet, talented, and all around fan-freaking-tastic. I’m on board with that (side note: If you haven’t seen Beasts of the Southern Wild you don’t have a soul), but guess what, that’s not funny. So, The Onion flipped the script – all the way to the c-word – for a quick joke. And sure it wasn’t the best joke, but I give them a “C for effort!” Don’t get me wrong, calling a 9-year-old a c-word is pretty uncool, but there are more serious things I can get upset about (like all the people we kill with drone warfare, constant violence in the middle east, and the fact that The Bachelor sent AshLee home – are you kidding me?).

People lost their shit when they saw this, with reactions like, “How could The Onion say such a thing?” To these people I want to ask, have you ever read The Onion before? This is what they do (not specifically call 9-year-old’s c***s, but push the envelope). And usually they do it well (ie: their ability to nail a funny rape joke), but they consistently push the envelope and being offensive is an on-the-job risk, the same way construction workers get injured and republicans get caught having closeted homosexual affairs. It’s going to happen.

Another person insisted, “Why doesn’t this person come forward and stop hiding behind the company?” As someone who knows many past and some current Onion employees, these people are working like crazy. The are pushed to produce more and more content all day long. The pay is okay, but the hours are brutal. They use interns, young kids out of college, and a couple family men who hardly get to go home to see their families enough because they labor endlessly over jokes that we read for free on the internet. And they don’t get “by lines.” No matter how hard they work, how great they do, all the content the produce doesn’t have their name on it. All the credit goes to The Onion. So, it would be pretty hypocritical if when they do mess up, they have to come forward and take the lashings, but whenever they do a great job, they get to sit in their cubicle and eat their mushy tuna sandwich like any other day.

What amazed me most was the fact that much of the criticism didn’t come from the rare idiots who tune into Colbert Report and think it is a serious news show (yes, such people exist). The criticism came from the same comedians who have defended people like Daniel Tosh (who caused controversy when he suggested it would be funny if a woman in the audience was raped – yikes!), cause hey, he’s working stuff out. It’s true, we can’t attack a stand-up every time he/she makes a mistake, because we know their working it out to get to the good stuff (God knows I’ve said terrible disgusting things!) Not everything will be polished and perfect, and many things will offend, but no matter what they are working toward comedy and we stand by them for that. And in the same way we can’t doubt The Onion over every little tweet, because we know that it is worth it for them to even occasionally come out with amazing headlines and stories that provide real comedy, deep laughs, much needed relief, even healing. For example, the headline after the Newtown School Shooting, that read ” Fuck Everything, Nation Reports. Just Fuck It All To Hell” or the memorable, impactful issue released after 9-11, some of my favorite Onion work. When it comes down to it, it was a shitty joke, but I’ll stand by The Onion, a hundred times more than I’ll stand by Daniel-look-at-this-You-Tube-clip-Tosh. Fo realz.

But here’s the thing, no matter what people say, The Onion comes out of this on top. What did the offensive joke do? People went crazy! People debated the joke! People talked about The Onion! I’d like to see the spike in page views on their website, the uptick in Google trends, the increase in ad revenue. For a newspaper that tells no real news, anytime you can get real headlines is a WIN… that is until the CEO of The Onion went and apologized for the tweet on the front page of the website. What a c***!

According to Huffington Post, “A Republican lawmaker in New Mexico introduced a bill on Wednesday that would legally require victims of rape to carry their pregnancies to term in order to use the fetus as evidence for a sexual assault trial.”

Say what now? We must all be reading this incorrectly, right? Huffington Post must be doing more of their “journalism” where nothing is true at all, right?

Sadly, this is true. You see, State Representative (and Paula Dean look-alike) Cathrynn Brown, who introduced Bill 206, thinks an abortion after rape should be considered “tampering with evidence.” Using that un-logic, aren’t doctor’s tampering with evidence when they remove bullets from victims of gun violence? Fire fighters tampering with evidence when they put out a fire from arson? Shouldn’t people with stab wounds refuse stitches? I mean really – you better leave that gaping wound open or how are we supposed to prosecute the assailant, dummy!

FYI: Tampering with evidence can come with a sentence to up to three years in jail, which to be fair, is way less than a lifetime of forced-parenthood.

Luckily, there is no way in hell (aka New Mexico) this bill will pass. Unluckily, there are people who believe this makes sense. And not just people with no teeth and/or education, an actual state representative, elected to government, who I assume can read and write, and understand what “rape” is, an educated WOMAN brought this bill.

And what does this chatty Cathy have to say for herself? “New Mexico needs to strengthen its laws to deter sex offenders.” Well I’m down with that. Good point. “By adding this law in New Mexico, we can help to protect women across our state.” Oh Cathy, you can’t really believe that! You know the saying, “with friends like you, who needs enemies?” Well, with protectors like you, who needs sex offenders!? Well, nobody obviously. The point is, you’re the worst, lady. How about we worry a little less about tampering with evidence and worry a little more about tampering with women’s rights and bodies? Ain’t that a novel idea!

“The bill turns victims of rape and incest into felons and forces them to become incubators of evidence for the state,” said every logical person in America Pat Davis of Progress Now New Mexico. “According to Republican philosophy, victims who are ‘legitimately raped’ will now have to carry the fetus to term in order to prove their case.” And the worst part is they’ll be bringing that child into a world where rapists AND Cathrynn Brown exist.

This is appalling and shocking. This is deeply offensive. This is what America should be talking about. I’m not offended that Manti Te’o made up a girlfriend for some very confusing and weird reason. I’m not offended that Lance Armstrong did a bunch of stealthy steroids in order to win races and make millions. I’m not offended that Beyoncé did, in fact, lip-sync “The Star Spangled Banner” at Obama’s second inauguration (I mean, more importantly, she looked fabulous!). I am offended by Rep. Cathrynn Brown and her hateful, shameful attack on rape victim’s rights.

No woman should be punished by the government after being a victim of rape. No woman should be forced to carry a rape-caused pregnancy to term.  No woman should propose a bill that limits victim’s rights. And next time Cathrynn Brown is up for re-election, no woman should vote for her.

Also, no woman should have that hairstyle. For real ice-queen, update your do.

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Since the shooting on Friday, I’ve performed on three comedy shows. My monthly show was Friday (the day of the shooting) and I was booked on two shows on Monday. Especially on Friday, it felt impossible to joke. Before each of these shows I had to actually tell myself to be funny, when nothing feels funny. I had to put aside my feelings, my anger, the tears, and tackle a set list that read: Cat Call, Tall, Feminist, Engaged, Weight Watchers, Pregnancy Scare, Little Girls are Creepy. None of these jokes could offend anyone. None of them addressed the situation. They were just jokes. Completely irrelevant. Stupid, I thought. Not the best material, but eh, that’s what I’m working with right now.

Something strange happened: All those shows were amazing. People were generous with their laughter. Crowds were eager to listen. The Friday show was absolutely packed. We had six comedians perform along with me and my co-host, Ben Kissel, and everyone did great. Nore Davis made the audience almost fall of their chairs talking about Kwanza, “Only black people celebrate Kwanza, but no black people celebrate Kwanza. It’s just a holiday hanging out there.” Jared Logan dealt with a heckler perfectly, “Thank you for your help. I was just sitting back there thinking, ‘I’ll start with this and then I hope the lady in the cardigan helps me out!’” Thomas Dale and Mike Dobbins just made people go nuts. The crowd was wonderful.

We comedians aren’t that important, I know. We aren’t teachers or doctors. We aren’t firefighters or nurses. Many of us don’t even know how to be good, functioning, bill-paying members of society. Obviously, we are in no way heroes (duh). But now and then, I see the reason we do this. Honestly, I’d “bomb” on stage forever if it could undo any of the damage that happened on Friday, but that’s not the world we live in. We live in a world where terrible things do happen. We live in a world where hate, violence, and war are real and constant. Sometimes it is more than we can bare. Even though I’m not a full-time comedian, even though I’m usually only paid in booze, even though I often know half my audience by name, even though I may never be truly successful, I feel so good about making those people laugh. I feel honored to share the stage with talented people who know how to reach out and give a crowd some joy, even at the worst times. I feel so thankful for audiences who are willing to follow comedians and escape from the pain for a few minutes, even if it’s with a joke that involves a lot of balls and poop.

There is nothing funny about this post. There is nothing funny about the gun control and reform we need desperately need. There is nothing funny at all about what happened in Newtown. But there are still things to laugh about. Laughter can’t undo the damage, it can’t solve the problems, but it is something we all need. So, now and then—when you’re ready—step away from the dark news, step away from the horror stories, step away from the deep sadness we all naturally feel right now, and let yourself laugh for a little while. Trust me, you need it. We need it, too.

Thanks for reading.

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In the past couple of years, women have gained so many great, new heroes. Thank god, because I was really getting tired of Oprah—we get it, you have a lot of favorite things! For me, my recent female heroes have come in the forms of Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and Mindy Kalhling. Sure there are other amazing women, like Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Gisele, but their lives seem way to serious and/or calorie-free. I like my heroes like me: with cellulite, a crush on Jon Stewart, and a Liberal Arts degree. Tina, Amy, and Mindy are wonderfully imperfect, the way heroes should be. In order to succeed, they’ve had to battle a male-dominated industry, their own imperfect bodies, and that annoying natural urge to just have children and watch Bravo (note to self: always use birth control and never watch any Real Housewives).

Now, women have a new hero emerging in the form of Lena Dunham. I have little pride in admitting I closely relate to Lena’s relationships with men, food, and clothing – in my life they have all been disastrous and plentiful. Sure, Lena and I have differences, like that her father is a painter of “overtly sexualised pop art” and her mother is a photographer/designer who creates “disquieting domestic tableaux” with dolls…. which is just ever so slightly different from my parents, who are teachers and not complete weirdos.  But even with the differences in upbringings, Lena’s voice and experience speaks to me directly. Clearly, I am not alone, the first season of her hit HBO show Girls received much praise (and hate… but haters gunna hate), she was nominated for five Emmy’s, a much-anticipated second season is quickly approaching, and Lena recently signed a $3.6 million deal with Random House for a book which will cover “Work, Friendship, Body, Sex, Love and Big Picture.” For young, twenty-somethings Lena represents what you swore to your parents you might do a couple of times, but never had the lady-balls. Lena is our hero—honest, flawed, self-deprecating, cocky, and a bit overweight. What more could we want?

The truth is, we are now spoiled with inspirational female role models, to the point where I believe we are leaning on these heroes a little too much. Why balance relationships and work when Tina is nailing it? Why inspire young girls everywhere when Amy’s got it covered? Why push against societal constraints when Mindy’s killing it? Why be a creative, feminist powerhouse when Lena Dunham exists? It’s just so much easier to watch them do it! But deep down, we know that’s not what they want. And don’t you dare disappoint Tina, Amy, Mindy or Lena! Don’t you even think about it!

So, in the coming New Year (it is coming, regardless of Mayans), I welcome you to join me and challenge yourself to be more like these amazing women. Don’t just take in their messages, but put something out.
Make this your manifesto: Be your own Lena Dunham.

Here’s how:

Step 1. Proudly admit you are imperfect. You don’t literally need to get naked in a toilet stall in the opening scene of the Emmy’s… but figuratively, you do. Put down the articles about [insert amazingly perfect movie star here] and take a semi-break from the treadmill. Repeat after me: “I am an imperfect blob of carbon!” Again: “I am an imperfect blob of carbon!” Doesn’t that feel better? Once you accept that you aren’t ever going to have Jessica Alba’s ass, you might start developing some of your weaker muscles, like your personality, sense of humor, and triceps. It’s really ok to be imperfect. Nobody is going to hate you for it, in fact, they’ll probably love you more. I mean, just look at her:

Step 2. Psychoanalyze the shit out of yourself. You are a mental and emotional mess. Admit it. Look in the mirror and think about it. Drink a bottle of wine alone and start a journal. Tell yourself you need to be single for a while to “concentrate on you.” Then hookup with someone. Ugh, you can’t believe you did that. Think about it some more. This is the beginning of personal greatness. Wonderful, self-centered greatness. Sometimes it can be painful to analyze your thoughts and actions, to actually figure out why you hurt yourself and set up obstacles in your path, but then some brilliance will come out of your mouth and you’ll know yourself that much better (maybe do this after the holidays, shit might get real).

Step 3. Be yourself. Even if it really scares your parents. Did your parents say you could be anything you want when you grow up and then when you grew up they were like, “as long as you have health insurance.” And you’re like, “Excuse me, mother, but that is a pretty big addendum!” Part of growing up and being mother-fracking-fabulous is pushing back against your parents. It starts at age 14 when you try to wear that mini-skirt to school and adds up when you figure out who you really are and (when you’re brave enough) share that with the people who made you (try not to think about it, sooo gross). Sure mom has known best many times—you really did look terrible with green highlights—but it’s time for you to take the  reins. Take the risky job! Date the guy they might not accept! Write the totally inappropriate thing you’ve been thinking about! Go Vegan!… actually don’t go Vegan, cheese is too yummy. If they freak out at all, feel free to make Hannah’s point:

Step 4. Do the damn work. This is the hardest part. You have to actually do work. Ugh. Like, not go to every party or watch the entire series of  Downton Abbey in a day, which is hard, because for a show about two cousins falling in love, that show is really beautiful. If you’re like me, things have come easily for you most of your life. School work was always easy, jobs were never challenging, and you were always the professor’s favorite even though you showed up late and cursed, but damn, you could write a good paper. Sadly, you’re going to have to actually put in effort now. The important things in life are harder to accomplish, like finding a fulfilling career and getting into Spanx, but the payoff is oh-so rewarding and stomach flattening.

Step 5. Dance like a total weirdo. You would think this is unrelated, but in fact this is a key final step. Extra points for dancing with friends. Let go, be yourself, listen to Robyn, and don’t ever figure out how rhythm works. You did it.

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As former Penn State Greek, it came as no surprise that my news feed blew up yesterday with some new publicity from my controversial, but much-loved Alma-mater. As we Penn Staters always say, “WE ARE… always in the press for something embarrassing.” Everyone seemed to be in shock that the Chi Omega sorority participated in an offensive “Mexican” party theme (pictured above). But I was surprised… that they were surprised.

There’s pretty much no question that the picture, costumes, and overall “Mexican” theme is offensive. The girls invested their parent’s hard-earned money on sombreros, ponchos, fake mustaches, and cardboard, in order to crudely represent our neighbors to the south… and then probably drink Corona and Tequilla with a “top-five” frat, which is the only good part of their decision making. (Side note: The only one who didn’t go all out is the Asian on the left, who is clearly uncomfortable — maybe her people will be represented in the next party!) Even if the two queen-idiots in the middle weren’t literally holding racist signs (FYI girls, tiny sombreros aren’t any sexier than big ones), the rest of the sorority are walking, valley-girl talking, offensive stereo-types.

It’s pretty dumb for a bunch of women who are allegedly getting college degrees to go through with this plan, but tweeting a picture of it out to the world is the icing on the [insert some sort of Mexican pastry]. After the world freaked out with a simultaneous “OFFENSIVE PARTY THEME? NO WAYYY!” Chi O was quick to apologize via some dude, stating:

“Our chapter of Chi Omega sincerely apologizes for portraying inappropriate and untrue stereotypes. The picture in question does not support any of Chi Omega’s values or reflect what the organization aspires to be.”

While the apology was certainly necessary, it just doesn’t address a larger issue. Don’t you know, party themes are all about being offensive! As a former self-described “sorosititute,” I can tell you this party is pretty mild on the shock-o-metere.  Some wonderful themes that I personally participated in (before I grew this sassy personality and some self-respect) include,”GI Joes and Army Hoes!” “CEOS and Office Hoes!” and “Tennis Pros and Golf Hoes!” In case you didn’t notice, the science to these parties is the word hoes.

See, the main difference between these themes and the “Mexican” theme, is usually the girls are just degrading themselves which nobody minds. I mean who cares that these highly educated, technically intelligent, beautiful women are dressing up like the sexual fantasies of a bunch of horny frat boys? Nobody! Does it matter that they are representing themselves and their fellow women like objects that should be used, rather than women with personalities and ideas? No way!

Frankly, the boys get off too easy (literally and figuratively). The fact is this is how Penn State (and I believe most big party schools) works: The fraternities have the parties and invite the sororities. The men supply the booze and in exchange the ladies show up dressed in outfits that would make their fathers stab their own eyes out. But the point is: Free Vladamire Vodka and Miller High Life! What, What!

No matter what the theme is: “Cowboys and Indians,” “80′s Party,” or “Let’s just get trashed… hoes!,” the women flaunt it all and the men basically dress like themselves, but with one funny accessory. Take this theme that I somehow missed out on until now: “Kindergarten Party!” Boys wear that dumb shirt they usually wear to class everyday and girls dress like sexy little five-year-olds who have been naughty and need a good spanking!

Which likely resulted in this look on her mother’s face when she saw her little girl growing up to be a sexualized character of a little girl:

The fact is, this isn’t a sorority issue. Even though sororities and fraternities are easy to blame, really we all know this is a cultural issue. Even the weirdos students who didn’t go Greek (I don’t get it? Did they like, make friends on their own? I’m exhausted just thinking about this), they too participated in offensive theme parties. Not to mention, this is what Halloween is all about here in America. Men dress awesome and funny, and women dress like sex dolls who are really, really cold. I mean, look at this banana costume for women compared to the banana costume for men.

For real? A sexy banana?!

I no longer belong to a sorority. I modified “sisters for life” to “sisters for a couple years” when I dropped out my senior year for personal reasons (aka drama!). Sure, I know some not great things about being in a sorority, but I know a positive aspects of the experience too and I still call some of my ex-sisters my best friends. At the end of the daylong, there’s nothing wrong with being in a sorority and there’s nothing wrong with being an independent (although, it’s got to be much harder to get wasted on a Wednesday while underage), but there is something wrong with the party themes that we accept and attend. You should be offended by a “Mexican” theme party, but you shouldn’t then attend a “CEO and Office Hoes” party. I mean unless it’s at like a really good frat… ok, actually, not even then.

The thing is a sorority is a group of women who are supposed to work together, hold themselves to a higher standard, and promote feminist ideals (the free booze and awesome parties are a bonus). Being racist certainly doesn’t reflect on the goals of sisterhood (looking at you, Chi O!), but either does being sexualized and giving into a misogynistic view of women. Most party themes are offensive… to women! And we need to stop participating in them, especially if you are in a sisterhood.

But to be fair, I was an “Army Hoe” too. Man, I looked hot in that costume.

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There is no better place to start then with the news that Duchess Kate Middleton is totally preggers. Go ahead, Kate, gloat it up. FYI world, you should all now be freaking out. Like so:

But in case you are not freaking out, let me explain to you four reasons why this really, really, really matters…

1. Bring on the shit show, Harry!
The Royals are great. I mean sure they are evil, world-ruling, Nazi-leaning, money stealing, in-bred, leaches on society, but they are also great because they entertain us common folk. I mean Prince Harry alone is really doing his part to distract us from our boring lives. And all I can say is, it’s totally working. Keep being offensive, stupid, and naked—you wonderful, royal ginger—and we’ll keep loving you. Now, with Kate Middleton bringing a new billionaire baby into the world, the soon-to-be-uncle will actually drop down to third in the line to inherit the crown. This will leave him more time to be a bitter, wealthy, embarrassing douche, and that’s really in everybody’s best interest.

2. The Queen is going to lose her royal shit.
The (Ice) Queen hates when other people get all the attention and are loved and adored in a way that she will never be, because she is a total [insert word I can't write because my mom reads this blog, but hint it rhymes with PUNT]. In June, the Queen got pissy about the world’s love of Barbie-princess-Kate and decided to use her powers for evil. Thus, the Queen tweaked a law (Seriously, England? You’re still letting a monarch make laws?!) so that Kate Middleton has to bow down to the other “blood princesses.” That’s how royals say, “SUCK MY ROYAL D-ecree.”  Queeny is totally going to get super jealous as the world locks onto adoring Kate for the next nine months. I mean, when my friends (who frankly aren’t important at all) get pregnant, we all basically worship them, wait on them, and shower them in love and gifts. Just imagine: It’s going to be like that, but with way more crowns.

3. We hopefully get to see Kate Middleton get gross and fat!
I mean look at her, she’s just glowing! It’s not fair. Those pearly-white teeth, that bouncy hair, the sun-kissed skin, the fact that she is a god-damned PRINCESS. This girl needs some stretch marks and dark under eye circles or I am just going lose it. Come on Kate, pack on the pounds and say goodbye to your size two pencil skirts! Time for some maxi dresses and muu muus!

Cross you fingers that she has more of a Jessica Simpson pregnancy, than a Heidi Klum pregnancy!

4. Because babies are freaking adorable. Duh!
I don’t want to be pregnant at all, but I definitely want to steal all these babies. Imagine a baby in a crown! OMG – I can’t even handle it.

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]]> http://attackofthe6footwoman.com/2012/12/03/kate-middleton-is-preggers-four-reasons-why-you-must-care/feed/ 2 christiewalsh http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lq4wghio8o1qmh2hvo1_500.gif http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7a27jvI3s1rrkyyq.gif harry1 http://www.gpb.org/files/national/monarchy_main.jpg http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0hco0xDy01rqlz9do2_250.gif jessheidi http://attackofthe6footwoman.com/2012/11/09/post-election-hangover/ http://attackofthe6footwoman.com/2012/11/09/post-election-hangover/#comments Fri, 09 Nov 2012 20:02:15 +0000 Christie Walsh http://attackofthe6footwoman.com/?p=526 Continue reading »]]> Woohoo, OBAMA WON! Sorry for the delayed post, but I’ve been celebrating Big-O’s win all week-long, mostly with Pumpkin Spice Latte’s and catching up on “Walking Dead.” But indeed, Obama won and we can get ready for four more years of moving forward and not wearing mandatory Mormon underwear… maybe that wasn’t a threat, but you never know. The media had me pretty scared that old Mittens had real chance at winning. I had even started stock piling antibiotics and needles awaiting healthcare disappearing (Side note: Who needs some needles? Half price!). I know most of us are glad Obama was able to hold down the White House and the other less-than half of the country is glad you can stop pretending to like Mitt Romney. That didn’t look easy! But no matter who you voted for, the election is FINALLY OVER, and for that even atheists are saying:

Yes, we can agree, that was a long and exhausting campaign. Remember when the Herman Cain campaign was a thing? Ooof! The whole thing was just so tiring I couldn’t even go to the gym (that’s my excuse and I’m sticking with it). I don’t know about you, but I read way too much, know far too much about Mitt Romney, and I cared more than is acceptable about Ohio — does anyone even know where Ohio IS? Now that it is over it looks like America is ready to move on and concentrate on more important issues, like Season 2 of “Girls” starting in January (if you’re not into “Girls” you’re a monster).

But back on the topic of moving on, one of my Republican friends (Gasp! I have Republican friends?) posted on Facebook:

I saw this post and it caught me. First off, I have no shame in saying that I liked her engagement picture profile pic and spent the morning looking at her album. Secondly, Katie Holmes and I finally have something in common! Mmm, Franzia! And finally, yes the election is over! Honestly, I think she is mostly right, let’s all take it down a level on Facebook. Yes we “dems” won, but as they say, “when you get into the end zone, act like you’ve been there before.” More importantly, participating in politics only on Facebook is like trying to sustain yourself only on food you grew on Farmville. Not very effective, kids.

On the other hand, even though the election is over, we must stay active and engaged with the politics that effect our country and our future. And I mean really be engaged. Even though we love social media (“Hello. My name is Christie and I’m addicted to Pinterst.”) when it comes to politics you have to actually get out there and do something! Yes, even post-election.

I know what you’re thinking:

No, Chelsea and everybody else, I’m not kidding. I understand how you feel. It’s been tense. America has been on edge. Every TV channel, newspaper, website, blog, tumblr, etc, has been dripping in campaign drama for more than a year. We’ve bumper-stickered our cars and voiced our opinions. We’ve made amazing Romney memes and de-friended people across the aisle. We even got Big Bird involved. And then we cast our ballots and tuned into watch Wolf Blitzer milk the shit out of the election results. We celebrated and then tried to ignore all the racist hicks who found Twitter and brought the “n-word” back in a big way… And now I’m telling you it’s not over?! Well ain’t that some shit!

Here’s a secret: Bert and Ernie are a couple. Also, what happens between the presidential elections matter too! Local elections matter. Local government matters. The issues still matter. Drink some Red Bull and eat some fried food. It’s time to get over your post-election hangover!

I double-dog-dare you to double-dog-dare yourself to find something that engages you politically and get involved. Marriage equality! Gun control! Green energy! These are all still real issues. Those are just a few of the many political issues you can get involved in. Need something more exciting? Come on, two states have legalized marijuana! That’s the best idea since sliced weed brownies (which are a great idea if you don’t personally know). Maybe you’re a Republican… well, you don’t have to get involved. Never mind. Just go hunting or something. We’ve got this handled. Ok, I’m kidding! Let’s have a discussion—and I don’t mean via memes. I mean a real discussion! Now. Not every four years.

America, we may have just reelected our president—which makes me so happy (and not just because my email inbox is getting a much-needed break from Obama’s emails)—but we have to remember, politics don’t just come up every four years, they matter all the time. It is a long-term relationship, not a once every four years booty call!

Although what a booty call he would be…

Love you too, Potus.

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There are not many things I love about Mitt Romney, but I do love the way his campaign just won’t stop letting crazy, old, white men take over (but FYI if he is president, he’s going to let a bunch of crazy old white men take over for realz).

We all remember Clint Eastwood’s RNC speech to a chair. “What do you want me to tell Romney? I can’t tell him to do that. He can’t do that to himself. You’re absolutely crazy. You’re getting as bad as Biden.” No, Clint, Biden is not that bad. Clearly, Republicans were worried their party wasn’t capturing enough of the “crazy, old, white man” vote. Good work bringing that segment back in! It’s all yours, fellas! You would think after that Romney would have sent Clint Eastwood to a home demanded everyone stick to the script a bit more, but no sir, that was just the beginning!

Then Donald Trump made a “big announcement” and challenged blackmailed Obama to provide… I don’t know… a bunch of paperwork to prove he’s not a citizen, not a Muslim, white?

Soon everyone in America had watched Trump’s video and reacted like this:

Let this be a lesson to everyone: don’t teach Grandpa how to use the webcam!

I really can’t even explain what he was up to, other than stirring up hate and proving that even complete idiots can become billionaires. Listen Donald, when Barbara Walters tells you, you’re “making a fool of yourself,” you need to back the truck off (and that is coming from a woman who has interviewed murderers and dictators with a smile). Now clearly Trump isn’t a direct part of the Romney campaign, but notice Romney didn’t ask him to take it down. He didn’t condemn it. He didn’t call him up directly on the direct line all 1%-ers have to communicate and say, “Seriously? Dude. Uncool.”

I hardly need to mention another crazy, old, white man, Richard Mourdock, the Tea Party-backed state treasurer, who Romney continues to support. Mourdock explained, that he is anti-abortion even in cases of rape, because it is a “gift from God,” “something that God intended to happen.” Ohhh, so like God is doing his good works through rapists! Amazing! I thought he worked mostly in burning bushes and hurricanes that could take out sinners. But seriously, someone from the Romney campaign should have been there to cut that guys mic. Burn the building down. Pretend that never happened.

I really can’t say it better than, Tina Fey:

And then, when we though we’d heard enough from crazy, old, white men, at a campaign event the singer (unfortunately, not the food) Meat Loaf endorsed Romney and closed of the event singing a beeeaaautiful interpretation of “America the Beautiful.” Listening to it will pretty much make you recoil in fear and then crap yourself laughing and then watch it twenty more times.

This is just more than I can bear. Even as feminist, liberal, democrat who loves seeing Romney look as terrible as he truly is, this is too awkward. I never dreamed “Big & Rich” would be trying to hold down normalcy. Romney literally runs away from near-heart-attack Meat Loaf and nestles into Big & Rich for protection. Sorry, Roms, they can’t save you. But seriously, Romney, why Meat Loaf? We all know that wasn’t a smart decision. The guy hasn’t had a job since he played a man with tits in Fight Club. Also, no women on stage? We are allowed out at night, you know. You’re telling me Reba wasn’t available? Just give Reba a call next time. It’s not that hard. I’m pretty sure she’s available.

The good news is this election is almost over. In a couple of weeks, when Obama wins, I believe we will look back at the Romney campaign and say, “Hey, that was pretty silly.” We’ll smile as we remember all the awkward moments, the funny memes, the awesome quotes. We’ll fondly retire our Big Bird and bayonet jokes. We’ll giggle at all of Romney’s position changes and murky plan explanations. We’ll think about Paul Ryan and say, “great biceps.” We’ll take our Clint Eastwood movies and Meat Loaf albums out of the trash. We’ll put aside all the offensive things that have been said about women and rape, and just let the tension go.

And then we will raise a drink for Romney, cause poor guy doesn’t get to drink away the loss, and we’ll drink to crazy, old, white men and to taking their microphones away.

Vote Obama.

Or vote Crazy, Old, White Men. Your choice.

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Oh man, sorry, I’m all out of cookies… but we should really be proud of all the Americans who missed Monday Night Football, Game 7 of the National League Championship Series (I think that’s like the Superbowl but fewer people care?), or whatever singing competition was on and tuned in to watch the presidential debate on Foreign Policy. This is especially impressive since apparently Obama and Romney debating Foreign Policy is like me and my best friend, Jade, debating how much we love Pumpkin Spice Lattes (“OMG so so so much” vs “OMFG very very very much”). I think I could win that debate, but it really doesn’t matter. The end result will always be that Pumpkin Spice Lattes are amazing and we have to keep killing people in Middle East, duh!

I know it is too late for this election, but after witnessing this debate season, I would like to offer some positive alternatives for the future. The debates don’t work. All I’ve learned this year was some stuff about Big Bird, Binders, Bayonets, and that Obama doesn’t do well at high altitudes. We need a new process that will eliminate all the one-liners and fudged numbers. We need a process that doesn’t need to be followed by groups of fact checkers who decode exactly how each candidate is lying this time. We need a process that is just more entertaining, cause I’m boooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrred!

Here are debate alternatives worth watching:

Option 1: Walk Off

As you know from Zoolander, a walk off shows the candidate’s ability to handle high pressure situations, like disarming Iran or magically removing their  underwear without taking off their pants one-handed! We need to know if our president will freeze up or make the move. And we’d also like to know what kind of underwear they are wearing (let us see your sweet Mormon undergarments, Mitt!). The runway music brings extra excitement – there wasn’t nearly enough techno in this year’s debates! Billy Zane can attend and David Bowe can judge! How easy is that? Just tell us who to vote for, Bowe! (Side note: Why wasn’t Bowe even one of the moderators? Just tell me, why?!)

Option 2: Redneck Games

I watched this episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but I’m still not sure from watching exactly how you win the Redneck Games. Details aside, it would be a victory for either of these candidates to just show up. You see, as Coupon Queen Joan explains, the Redneck Games “similar to the Olympics, but with a lot of missing teeth and a lot of butt cracks.” Now that sounds American! I guess Romney would have had an advantage since he ran the Olympics, but my instincts tell me he might not be comfortable with mud. It’s anyone’s game. Candidates can bob for pigs feet, belly flop in mud, make music with your armpit… the options are endless! Don’t you think a presidential candidate should be able to compete with these real Americans, even if they are waving confederate flags!

Option 3: Singing Battle

Now this is a fun option! Just copy The Voice! Put on an American classic like “Jessie’s Girl,” “Born in the USA,” or “Oops! I did it again,” and show America Christina Aguilera, Cee Lo Green, Adam Levine and Blake Shelton what you’re made of! I know Obama has had voice lessons. I bet Romney sang in Church a time or two. These candidates would be great for a singing battle. And if all else fails, you’re basically in a boxing ring! Go ahead take a swing! We know you want to.  Meanwhile, I’m concentrated on catching a glance at whatever crazy outfit Cee Lo has on. Carry on.

Option 4: Nathan’s Hotdog Eating Contest!

It’s doesn’t get more American than that! Simple rules: 10 min time limit, no dunking longer than 5 seconds (or you might think long enough to realize this is disgusting), must eat hotdog and bun, and be sure to have no pride at all! This is the way to go! No more stuffy debates. Let the candidates show us exactly how hungry they are for the White House! And more importantly, this just captures the American spirit. Is America really about having debates over issues? No! America is about gluttony, branding, and the red, white, and blue! Now open up wide and show us what you got!

There are four options, that should be enough right? Just please whoever is in charge, don’t put us through those debates again. I’m tired of market-tested platforms and complete flip-flops. I’m tired of empty promises and constant fact checking. I’m tired of overpowered moderators and stupid town hall questions.

Give me Walk Offs! Give me Redneck Games! Give me Singing Battles! Give me Hotdog Eating! Give me just about anything else! Give me a fight worth watching, America!

But seriously, Obama totally won last night, right?

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Thank you, gentleman on the street. Today felt boring, normal, and then you said, “Damn, that booty!” and I knew I put on the right pair of pants. I know it looks like I’m picking up my pace to get away from you, but inside I’m smiling, glowing, so glad you noticed my back-end.

Thank you, gentleman outside the coffee shop, for rubbing your hand against mine and whispering in my ear, “You need a big man?”  What an offer! Your mother must have loved you so much, you grew up to be such a confident, precocious man.

Thank you, gentleman on the subway. Thank you for licking your lips while sitting caddy-corner from me. Your oral compliment is magnified by your impressive three-hundred pound physique. Why did I choose that seat? Why did I sit so close to you? You know deep down I was just hoping, praying, that on my way out you’d say, “Looking real hot today, girl.” That was fun.

Thank you, gentleman on the other side of traffic. Many would consider such range too far for a compliment, but you picked up your voice and shouted across the avenue, “Hey, big sexy!” Oh, thank you. A big thank you.

Thank you, catcalling gentleman of New York! Thank you for gracing we women with your abrasive compliments. Thank you for touches that are inappropriate and uncomfortable, but not quite crimes (you’re smooth like that). Thank you for standing too close on the subway – it lets us know we’re doing something right with what God and Mama gave us. Thank you for showing us how to feel pretty and scared at the same time. You know, we’re prettiest while scared.

Thank you, gentlemen. From all of us, thank you.

But seriously, does this dress look good on me? It does? Oh, thank you.

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