Hello boys and girls, men and women, pre-and-post-op-transsexuals, and anyone else I left out! Sorry I’ve been such a terrible blogger. The first thing that happened was my grandparent’s house was destroyed in Hurricane Sandy and I spent a week with my family helping them clean up. The second thing that happened is I spent the following three weeks recovering from way too much family time. It took a lot of whiskey and chocolate peanut butter ice cream, but I made it through the dark times and I’m back to keep you kids up to date on all things pop-culture! Buckle up!
There is no better place to start then with the news that Duchess Kate Middleton is totally preggers. Go ahead, Kate, gloat it up. FYI world, you should all now be freaking out. Like so:
But in case you are not freaking out, let me explain to you four reasons why this really, really, really matters…
1. Bring on the shit show, Harry!
The Royals are great. I mean sure they are evil, world-ruling, Nazi-leaning, money stealing, in-bred, leaches on society, but they are also great because they entertain us common folk. I mean Prince Harry alone is really doing his part to distract us from our boring lives. And all I can say is, it’s totally working. Keep being offensive, stupid, and naked—you wonderful, royal ginger—and we’ll keep loving you. Now, with Kate Middleton bringing a new billionaire baby into the world, the soon-to-be-uncle will actually drop down to third in the line to inherit the crown. This will leave him more time to be a bitter, wealthy, embarrassing douche, and that’s really in everybody’s best interest.
2. The Queen is going to lose her royal shit.
The (Ice) Queen hates when other people get all the attention and are loved and adored in a way that she will never be, because she is a total [insert word I can't write because my mom reads this blog, but hint it rhymes with PUNT]. In June, the Queen got pissy about the world’s love of Barbie-princess-Kate and decided to use her powers for evil. Thus, the Queen tweaked a law (Seriously, England? You’re still letting a monarch make laws?!) so that Kate Middleton has to bow down to the other “blood princesses.” That’s how royals say, “SUCK MY ROYAL D-ecree.” Queeny is totally going to get super jealous as the world locks onto adoring Kate for the next nine months. I mean, when my friends (who frankly aren’t important at all) get pregnant, we all basically worship them, wait on them, and shower them in love and gifts. Just imagine: It’s going to be like that, but with way more crowns.
3. We hopefully get to see Kate Middleton get gross and fat!
I mean look at her, she’s just glowing! It’s not fair. Those pearly-white teeth, that bouncy hair, the sun-kissed skin, the fact that she is a god-damned PRINCESS. This girl needs some stretch marks and dark under eye circles or I am just going lose it. Come on Kate, pack on the pounds and say goodbye to your size two pencil skirts! Time for some maxi dresses and muu muus!
Cross you fingers that she has more of a Jessica Simpson pregnancy, than a Heidi Klum pregnancy!
4. Because babies are freaking adorable. Duh!
I don’t want to be pregnant at all, but I definitely want to steal all these babies. Imagine a baby in a crown! OMG – I can’t even handle it.
Thanks for reading!
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